I hate that this is going to be the first time I’ve written since my 4 year anniversary but hey, y’all know how I do. And with that, you know I’m Captain of the Overthinkers Team so here we are. I’m in an overall weird place right now so this is me writing through it.... go with me if you will......
Honestly, I’m tired of being consumed. Everything I do is starting to feel performative. If you came here today for encouragement and a bright side, exit now because I don’t have that for you this time around. I’m doing fine, dont panic lol. Just feeling a little lost in the shuffle. I don’t even know where to start with explaining this lol. I’m just going through a sort of bizarre mental state that I’m sure is triggered by Mercury and her micro braids lol. Either way, I‘ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting trying to figure out how to navigate my life at this point lol.
A lot of my recent decisions have been subconsciously influenced by social media. As I mentioned before, everything is starting to feel very performative. I was back in Detroit for 3 weeks and I spent so much money buying clothes and going to expensive nail techs just so that I could ”create content” for social media. Very B L A H. Though in the moment, I felt like I was just shopping because I wanted a few things, I soon realized that this was not necessarily the case. I’ve noticed that my use of social media is also influencing my thought processes and how I feel about my work. Feeling like I’m not doing enough, like I’m not reaching enough people, like I’m just not doing life right.
No matter what I try when it comes to trying to market what I do to folks, it feels like there are only a few categories that people respond to: Trauma/Drama, Popularity/Viral, Sex/Sexual Explicit/Sexual Suggestive and Anything attached to Clout lol. I also hate the idea of always being consumed on social media. It’s not even fun anymore because there’s always this pressure to have the perfect photos or the perfect captions. It’s like regular old Rae’ LaShae just ain’t enough for socials. And I don’t have a kid to exploit for likes soooo, its a struggle. You’re either working overtime to make this social media thing work for you or you’re losing.
So then let’s jump into actual real life, I’m still trying to find my place there too. I’ve attempted to monetize most of my hobbies and strengths to no avail. My online store has done decent since I opened it in March but there’s no consistent income coming from that. Working with artists has become a battle of the egos and I’ve never been interested in that. I feel a hibernation coming on where I just write here and write music because the inconsistency in everything else is kind of stressing me. There’s this constant thought of ’what am I doing’ and ’is this for me or others.’
If you’ve gotten this far, bless your heart lol. This is going to be a long one. I have a lot on my mind that I need to get off. Read on if you’re interested lol.
Anywaydoe, it’s really hard to express my feelings sometimes. I don’t even know if this write up even makes sense lol. What I do know is that I can’t be the only person that feels like this. I feel like my use of social media is definitely having a negative effect on my mental state. But I also feel weak for wanting to give up on it because I feel like I can conquer it. But then I watched ’The Social Dilemma’ on Netflix and MAN! Social Media and Tech are basically controlling our minds and habits. And I just can not. It’s scary. I continuously wreck my brain trying to figure out how I’ll be able to do what I want to do without social media. I lowkey feel like I need social media lol. And that is for sure a problem. Honestly, this is all a bit much lol.
With all of that being said, you probably think im insane lol. Just kidding. But, you’ll probably be seeing quite a few updates coming to my site this quarter. I’m planning on spending wayyy more time cultivating the vibes over here and creating an environment that I truly enjoy. An environment that isn’t trying to sale you on something or make you change who you are for likes. I‘m almost 100% sure that I’ll enjoy this way more than social media. Life’s too short to be consumed by the BS served up everyday by mind controlling tech. It’s time to break away. To take a break. To breathe deeply and confront the darkness head on. I’m determined to do THEE WORK this quarter. The internal work. Not for show, just for me. For growth. For the betterment of my human experience.
The journey of doing life at your own pace is lifelong. I’m in it for the long run. The Marathon Continues, word to Nipsey.
