I cringe at the thought of taking up space. Physically. I attempt to squeeze myself in, in hopes that everyone else is comfortable. I don’t fit into small spaces. I am big. I am tall. I am heavy. I am trying. Trying to lose the extra weight that I’ve picked up over the last few years. Relationships. Friendships. Emotional eating. I carry the weight of my story, physically. Am I becoming uncomfortable in my own body? Maybe. I didn’t ask to be this way. My comparative mind barrages me with thoughts of “how did you get here?” “You shouldn’t eat that.” “You should hit the gym.” Again, I’m trying. My weight fluctuates at a very slim margin of like 7-10 pounds lost and 7-10 gained back. Societies obsession with weight and health and wellness forces me to want a quick “fix” for what’s “not right” about my body. I try to make better choices in my eating habits. Everything I love is unhealthy lol.
I am obese. And though I carry it well, the issue still exists. If I told you how much I weighed, you probably wouldn’t believe me. My weight usually doesn’t bother me. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I’m use to being one of the biggest people in the room. I’ve been “bigger” all my life. But as of late, my size has been making me quite uncomfortable. I can’t turn my comparative mind off. Which is why I have to do social in moderation. And I’m a capriquarius, so I overthink things to the max. But I’ve reached my limit. And it’s time to make some serious changes. For the sake of life and longevity. Because as much as I love myself, I know I’m carrying the weight of past relationships, endeavors, fails, missteps, bad habits and more. It’s time to shed the load. To release the hurt and pain and stop beating myself up.
I’m entering a new blessed and blissful stage of my life. I’m unlearning and learning anew. I am being positioned to conquer my fears and excel in my blessings. This body, as it presents itself today, no longer suits me. Renovations have begun. I am opening up my mind and body to the endless possibilities of my God given gifts. To whom much is given, much is expected and 2020 is going to be a year of execution. So when you see me and feel like I’ve changed, I have. There’s an evolution occurring that is opening up a new life form within me. Rae’ is amazing. Right here, right now, In this space. Because I accept the Rae’ that is. She has suited me well. But with life and growth comes change. And this caterpillar is becoming a butterfly. Cheers to evolving into our higher selves in 2020. The possibilities with God are endless. Tap into the source and take flight!