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Bend Don't Break...

I closed all the apps and put my phone on the charger. I could feel the tears building in my eyes. What the hell is this? Here I am, sitting at the airport, headed to one of the most beautiful places in America, and I’m losing it. I’m completely losing it and I can feel the break down coming soon. I wanted to just bust into tears so bad. And I had no idea why I was upset. This isn’t the first time I’ve encountered this overwhelming emotional happening. Every blew moon my emotions go into a whirlwind and I lose it. I try very hard to control it but I just have to let it run it’s course. Sooner or later I snap out of it and tap back into reality.

These, my friend, are what I believe to be anxiety attacks. They usually occur when my imposter syndrome flairs up and I start to believe that I don’t deserve to be in the position I’m in or live the grand life I’m living. I tend to talk myself off the ledge by speaking rational thoughts. Because at the core, anxiety can’t be “rationalized.” My dances with anxiety aren’t as major as a lot of other folks but I get it. These small “attacks” are enough for me to get the picture and understand. I see you.

I’m glad to be back in the spirit of writing. I went through a dark period while on my break and really contemplated throwing in the towel. After 3 years of consistency, I still don’t see the growth in this that I had imagined. It seems the IG Bloggers that don’t even write or have blogs are getting all the clout lol. Not sure how a blogger that doesn’t even have a blog is even a thing but who am I to judge. It works for them. I can’t bring myself to have several photo shoots for the gram in hopes that it will draws folks to my writing. That’s just not me. I wear a rotation of sweats on the daily sooooo photo shoots don’t really fit my lifestyle lol. I know there’s got to be a better way. Asking the people what they want never gets me really far. I know there’s got to be a better way. Bare with me, it’s trial and error at this point lol.

If you’ve been around a while on this blog, you know my January’s are SUPER reflective. January is my birth month so I usually take a break and just think over my accomplishments, the lessons I’ve learned, the goals I want to achieve and how I’ll create my happiness. I haven’t written consistently in like 2 months. I break for the holidays and pick back up after. My methods are slightly different than most. If you read my December post, you know that I decided that I wasn’t doing any major goal setting and planning this year. I want to tap into God’s plan and will for my life. I’ve taken 3 flights since the year started. Looks like 2020 has lots of travel in store. I’m currently sitting on the patio of a resort in San Diego, looking at the beach and being recharged by the sun. Life feels new. There’s no pressure. I was off social media for about a week and a half to start the new year. I felt light. To not know and have access to what everyone else was doing at any given moment was freeing. I got back on to celebrate my birthday. Probably wasn’t my best decision making lol. But I’ll be on for the next 2 weeks or so then back to the social quietness.

I turned 27 this month and I can’t even believe it. 27 years of life. 27 evolutions around the sun. Life is truly mad generous and I am immensely grateful. It is my hope that you aren’t stressing yourself about goal setting and chasing success this year. It is my hope that you will tap into the source and embrace the flow. We tend to put a lot of stress and pressure on ourselves for no reason. It is my prayer that you get out of your head in 2020. And get into your health and wellness bag. Because beyond all the success and wealth and stunts and clout, YOU are most important. How you feel about you. How you love on you. Your internal happiness. Your livelihood. Give you some time in 2020. Do the work, on YOU. I promise you it’ll be rewarding.

I’m not going to make anymore amazing content promises lol. I’m sure I’ve oversold enough for a lifetime. Feels like every time I turn around I’m promising you guys new and amazing content. I do hope you all stick around though. As I’m evolving I’m sure there will be some stuff worth tapping in to. God willing and the creek don’t rise lol. If you’ve been rocking thus far, God bless you. If you’re new, welcome to my TRIBE! God is doing a new thing over this way so buckle up and enjoy the ride. You’re going to see the bumps and bruises as well as the triumphs and successes. You need both sides. It’s makes the story easier to appreciate. I love you all dearly. Let’s dominate in 2020.

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