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It Be Like That Sometimes...

One of the most frustrating things in my life right now is not being able to fully take care of myself. In April of 2017, I walked away from my last full time position with Home Depot’s call center to fully devote myself to my crafts. I wanted to write and focus on my blog. I also wanted to really launch my business and get things rolling. I had a roof over my head and food on my table, thanks to my boyfriend. And of course I had clothes. But what I didn’t have was a savings large enough to sustain my desires. So here we are. Two years later and I still haven’t found my stride. I debated in my head about what direction I wanted this entry to go in. Do I veer towards faith and tell you all to lean on God? Do I veer towards emotions and tell you all I feel trapped between freedom and finances? Do I veer towards the hustle and tell you all I’ve tried so many different things that didn’t stick and I’m tired? Maybe we’ll cover all three. You see, I’ve been doing this “entrepreneur life” thing for a long time. I’ve never felt like I truly found my stride so it’s a continuous struggle. There are mountain peaks and also valleys. I feel like more valleys than peaks. But the peaks are amazing when you get to them. Nothing about this journey is easy. I struggle daily with the decision of going back to work because I absolutely HATE depending on other people. Self sufficiency felt SOOOO much better. It suited me. I want to go back.

I haven’t found self sufficiency in my entrepreneurial journey. Right now, I’m pretty dependent on my bf’s income, and I hate it. Having to ask someone for money makes me feel like a kid. But I was willing to take this risk for the sake of my dreams. I’ve come to rethink that moment in my head a lot. What if I had stayed? What if? Now faith tells me to lean and depend on God. And I do. He’s the ONLY reason I haven’t gone crazy. But what happens when you get lost in the fog and can’t hear God? Because I feel like I’m there. I talk to God every day about my situation. But I can’t see the signs. I don’t hear his voice. I don’t know what to do. Faith tells me to hold tight but what happens when I can’t pay my website renewal, all my credit cards are maxed out (a-damn-gain) and I can’t afford the oils for my Shea Butter recipe to even try to make some extra cash? Do I just sit here and wait to hear his voice? Let everything keep falling until I get a sign? No, because faith without works is dead. But I’m stuck. Stuck between freedom and finances. Freedom to wake up at whatever time I please and start my day. Freedom to make my own schedule and do as I please. Freedom to indulge every now and then in recreational activities. Freedom to randomly go to the movies in the middle of the day. Freedom to wake up and write music and blog posts. I don’t have to rush to bed at night to prepare for work the next day. I’m always on my time.... for the most part. That is, unless, I’m on the breadwinners time. See that’s where finances come into play. I don’t have the financial stability to have a car and pay car insurance, so I use my boyfriends. Which means my schedule always has to align with his. I could go get a job, but then all that “freedom” I had goes out of the window. Sometimes I wonder, “am I really even free?” I mean no one said this would be easy but good Lord. My life is like a Rubik's cube. From the outside looking in, everything looks just fine. You wouldn’t ever know the struggle was this real unless I told you. Don’t I make it look easy!? Don’t I make it look good!? Thank God for Jesus. I just keep trying different things and hustles hoping that something sticks. I went out on limb with the Shea Butter thing and it actually caught on, to my surprise. People love it and they keep coming back for more and more. For that I’m forever grateful. I have some other dreams and plans but at this point, I can’t afford to put action behind any of them without funds. I make $80-$100 biweekly for property management for a family member. Most of which goes towards credit card bills. I recently asked someone for a $10,000 investment and I might as well have asked a bank as long as the process is taking. (Don’t be offended if you read this. These are just my thoughts and feelings) I feel like I prove my worth every single day and I’m tired of having to ask. But, I know $10,000 is a lot of money AND it’s not my money to rush the process or call shots on. I feel like it’s 2014 all over again. How tf do I keep getting here?!

Anywaydoe. So what do you do when you feel like your back is against the wall? Do I attempt to get a job? Do I have patience and wait on God? I usually have answers and solutions for you guys because I’m a fixer but I’m kind of stuck right now. I was hoping maybe you all had some suggestions. When I get full from life, this is how I express myself. At my core I’m a poet who found writing/ songwriting. Words will always be my source of self expression. So when all else fails you’ll find me here. At Trying to shake the devil off. If you have some advice or words of encouragement for me, leave a comment. I’d love to hear from you all

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