What Did You Do To Provoke Him?
In light of all the foolishness happening right now concerning sexual assault and rape and the allegations of many, I felt it was appropriate to run this write up back around. I posted it some time ago before I updated my site. This is my #MeToo story. Please know that I stand with all victims of rape and sexual assault and I have a huge amount of love and appreciation for those who have the courage to share their stories. And for those who choose not too, please know you are loved as well. Stay Strong!
Let’s start by defining the subject:
Rape culture is a term that was coined by feminists in the United States in the 1970’s. It was designed to show the ways in which society blamed victims of sexual assault and normalized male sexual violence. Many feminists have provided great definitions of what rape culture is and how it plays out everyday.
---- a complex set of beliefs that encourage male sexual aggression and supports violence against women. It is a society where violence is seen as sexy and sexuality as violent. In a rape culture, women perceive a continuum of threatened violence that ranges from sexual remarks to sexual touching to rape itself. A rape culture condones physical and emotional terrorism against women as the norm . In a rape culture both men and women assume that sexual violence is a fact of life, inevitable … However … much of what we accept as inevitable is in fact the expression of values and attitudes that can change
So now that you have an idea of what rape culture is, I’ll share with you a story from my own life....
Myself and a guy we’ll call Jimmy had been playing this ‘situationship’ game for a year or so. It was my junior year of college and I was staying in some apartments with a friend of mine. Life was good, yet I was still wasting my time with what turned out to be a ‘fuck boy.’ Though on the outside everything was good, I wasn’t in the best space mentally or emotionally. And after probably about 3ish years, I was still struggling to fill the gap of breaking up with my high school sweetheart. (All the stuff you hear about loving yourself first is madddd true, trust me. There’s no way you can pour into someone if you’re running on E.)
Anywho, Jimmy and I had a situationship, full of mama’s basement (his not mine), cable TV, broken promises and bullshit. You know, typical ‘situationship’ shit. I was drowning in it. The comfort of having someone around kind of made up for the fact that in a year, we never went on a ‘real date’ and we basically never discussed having a healthy relationship. I think this might of been rock bottom as far as me and relationships went. Listen sis, I know, I’ve been there. If you’re stuck, let’s talk about it.
Anywaydoe, It finally got to a point where I wanted out. I wanted to call it quits and remove myself from this dark place as a whole. So as usual, we’re in his moms basement, watching tv, and I initiated my exit strategy. As an adult, I figured I would handle this situation maturely and have a conversation….. It was at this point that things turned upside down. What started out as a civilized conversation morphed into a heated argument that eventually led to:
“Bae why you playin’? You know you want this. Why you doing me like this? Come here”
My ‘No’ never felt so worthless, and what I didn’t want to give, he attempted to take. (You catch my drift)
This is a lot to digest. Even to this day. After about 5-7 minutes he finally gave up on “trying to make me want it,” he got up and went out for a smoke. I grabbed my things and NEVER. LOOKED. BACK. I cried all the way home. My mind was in shambles. What had I done to make him react this way? Why didn't he listen to my 'No'? How could he do this to me!?
I’ve literally only told 2 people this story. I was ashamed. I didn’t want anyone to know. But I’ve decided it’s important to share this because there’s someone out there that’s been in this exact same situation. You need to know that someone out here has been there and done that. You need to find a way to heal from it. It was hard. It was dark. But actually sharing this story is aiding in completing my healing.
Both of the individuals I shared this story with wanted to kill him. But the crazy thing is, I don’t have to wish anything bad on him because he’s going to get exactly what’s coming to him. Karma is a baddie and God don’t like ugly.
Listen family, don’t go through this dark moment alone. Seek help. Seek counsel. There are tons of resources. And I’m always here to listen if you need to talk and what not. I’ve been there. Fortunately I was able to get over it and get past it…..And i didn’t do it alone.
To some, this situation may seem minor compared to some of the stories you’ve heard or seen on Law & Order SVU, but sexual assault is sexual assault….period. And one ‘yes’ doesn’t mean ‘yes forever.’
Rape culture is real. Have you seen the Nate Parker fiasco?! There are men (and women for that matter) who actually say stuff like “She was asking for it, did you see how she was dressed?) I mean, I could go on for days about the subject.
With all that being said, I feel extremely close to the subjects of sexual assault and rape. I stand with Dr. Ford and I am immensely upset that even to this day in age, we are still actually having discussion about whether a victim is believable or not. This day in age, you can have a rape allegation and still be selected to be in the Supreme Court. Sharing my story is my contribution to the cause. If this resonates with you, share it with someone. Healing is the goal.